Looking back on my childhood I now know that I have always been gay. I was never interested in boys, I had boyfriends yes, but only under the influence of my friends who suggested the need for one, and really in 4th-6th grade boyfriends are just the boy you sit with at lunch and occasionally play on the playground with. I can think back to some of the times in my childhood when I can pinpoint having feelings for some of my friends or some of the times when I ignored the attraction I felt for female actresses, writing it off as envy, looking back I know I have always been gay. However it was not until my Junior year of high school that I started to acknowledge the fact that I was not attracted to men but instead I was attracted to women.
The turning point was when I met a girl, I will call her Heather however this is not her real name, nor will there ever be someone's real name in my blog. Anyways when I met Heather I was 16 almost 17 years old and she fasinated me. She was one of the only girls in our school that was out of the closet as gay. I found that from time to time I would gravitate toward her and talk and flirt with her, though the flirting I did not realize at the time. A couple weeks after I started spending time with her a friend approached me and, in true high school fashion, told me that Heather "liked" me. I was, of course elated and alarmed all at once, I went home that night and considered my feelings. I thought about why I felt the way I did and considered what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman. I considered these ideas for a week or so, all the while avoiding Heather. After much thought I decieded the more and more I thought about being in a relationship with a woman the more it felt comfortable and natural. However thinking about being in a relationship with a same sex person is much different than actually being in one.
After I came to the conclusion that I might be gay, which at the time I thought meant I was probably bi-sexual, I decieded if Heather were to ask me to be in a relationship with her I would agree and I would no longer avoid her, however I would not be the one to make a move. After a few weeks its happened, the same friend who told me Heather "liked" me passed me a note from Heather. In the note she asked me to be her girlfriend and thus started the shortest relationship I ever had with a woman. Even though it was a short relationship Heather was in fact my first kiss, which coincidently is how our whole school found out that I was gay.
We were standing in the middle of the courtyard outside of my Chemistry class and she laid one on me, I was shocked and delighted and then afterwards very scared. I knew everyone had seen and it was in that moment that I had to own up to everyone in the school. I went into to Chemistry were I was assualted by a birage of questions all concerning my sexuality. I held my composer as well as a 17 year old girl can and confirmed to everyone that I was gay. Within in a week, similiar to a wildfire, the word had spread that I was gay. Everyone knew, which unfortunatly included my 14 year old sister.
Looking back I think that must have been an awful way to find out that your sister is gay, but if it bothered her she never told me, in fact if it wasnt for my sister I dont know that I would have made it through the whole coming out process. Whenever I was scared or someone was picking on me she was there, either as a shoulder to cry on or as a motivator to help me keep going. When I felt like I didnt have a friend in the world she was my friend and I will be forever grateful for her, she was and still remains one of the best support systems I have ever had. At first I didnt want to tell my mom and I begged my sister not to tell her either but as fate would have it, it was not long before I had to tell her.
The night I told my mom was the night I broke up with Heather. I broke up with Heather because I thought I was in love with someone else, that someone else unfortunatly was a mutual friend, who was Heather's best friend, whom I also kissed before breaking up with Heather. The whole thing was a mess and I regret hurting Heather very much to this day, but what is done is done and there is nothing to be done to change it. I told my mom in tears that I was gay and that I had, had a girlfriend and to my surprise my mom sat down with me, wrapped her arms around me, and told me she knew and she loved me. Before long I told my entire immediate family and was never met with anything but love. That is not to say it was not hard for my parents at first.
I say my parents because my sisters have always been ok with who I am. We all accept each other unconditionally, even if we do fight from time to time. It was my parents, particularly my mom who had a hard time with me coming out. This is not to say that she was unsupportive or that she didnt love me or that she treated me badly, it is just to say she struggled with having a gay daughter for a while. I say this just because of comments that were made from time to time or the way she acted sometimes when I had a girl over. It was just rough and I do not blame her and since that time she has become one of the biggest advocates for gay rights that you will ever meet. My dad on the other hand is different. He never expressed anything verbally however to this day I think that he struggles with me being gay. Once I tried to talk to him about it and he said "thats your buisness" and that was the end of the conversation. I have noticed he is not as friendly with my girlfriend as he is with my sister's boyfriend, and also that he sometimes seem bothered when she comes over to our house. As I said about my mom this is not to say that I think my dad does not love me I just believe that he struggles with me being gay and may always struggle with it. To this day I am out to most of my family, but not all.
Both of my dad's siblings have found out I am gay and once agian I was met with nothing but love and support. My aunt (my mom's sister) found out and very recently sent me a very moving text message in which she expressed her love and support and my grandmother (my mom's mom) knows that I am gay, although we don't discuss it, however I have never recieved anything but love and support from her. I havent told my dad's parents however because I feel that I will not be met with love and support by them and I would only do harm to our relationship by telling them. I know that they love me very much but I believe that would have a difficult time dealing with me being gay. I know I am very blessed to have my family and have all of their love and support, I know that all coming out stories don't end with happiness, but fortunatly this one does. The only piece of advice I can impart on those of you reading this that are not yet out is to tell your family yourself, don't let them "just find out". It is my deepest regret that I did not tell some of the members of my family myself and that they found out in various ways. Coming out can be one of the most freeing expriences, being yourself is so much better than trying to be someone else.
